All good things must come to an end...

It's been a pretty unbelievable week. And not in the good way. Make that two weeks. I've discovered somebody I trusted more than any other on this planet was lying to me, no little ones either, but big life changing can't believe they were that good at it con-artist type of lies. For the most part I am moving on with my life without them in it and feel in some respects a little better off. Then I have these profound moments of shock, then sadness, then disbelief, then lonliness. Being lonely has got to be one of the worst feelings of all time. maybe just for me, because that much time left to my own thoughts is never a good thing;) When you have cared for someone so passionately and intensely for so long, and then the object of that affection, adoration the thing that received all this caring you have to give, when the recipeient is gone and you no longer have a place for all that to go, what do you do? It's something I haven't ever really known to this extent before. But its a little bewildering. A little lonely. And I feel a little like I am operating without my right arm or something, I guess those moments where I feel sad about the whole situation is like phantom limb pain...you know its not there, you accept its not there, and life is going on without it there, yet sometimes you feel it there like its real only to look down and see that its not....I'll be happy when that sensation fades. I still resolve to love better, lover without expectations and recieve love around me. I feel in my life I have missed out on true love, of all kinds, because I have so wanted a certain kind. I am not doing that anymore.

New Year, New Life

So the end of last year sucked rocks. Many changes, awakenings and just pain to be perfectly honest. I don't want to go into the ugly details because the past is the past and I am over it. Time to move forward, forgive (myself and a few others) and forget and start brand new. So far so good, not perfect but hey, that's something I am also learning to accept, I'm not perfect, life's not perfect and it never will be. And honestly, I've kinda enjoyed some of the imperfections. And in the wake of the shit that went down last year, I've found some really good points and seen some really good things develop, even out of things and relationships I thought I'd destroyed or were just dead. So new year, new life. Here's the basic plan:
1. Have a relationship with myself- enjoy myself and like myself. This is paramount, and most important. It's so true what they say, if you don't love yourself, you can't love anyone else

2. Commit to what I want: be it vacation, job, relationships with others. All of these are a CHOICE and not one that you only make once. You have to chose all the time to stay in a job, with a person, in a friendship. Make the choice, commit to it and if you can't deal with it, chose out of it. It's okay.

3. Love - I crave it. I want to recieve it, I want to give it. Sometimes that is hard, especially when you feel you give it more than you get it, or when you fail to recognize the love being given to you because its not how you would give it. I resolve to be more sensitive to the love being given, and not take it for granted.

Soooo, that's the game plan, and I will make this year better than any other. New outlook, new year new life. I've never been one for resolutions and this kind of outlook, maybe that's my problem. But I have also never been one to realize I am a good person, I have worth and my life is pretty awesome. I know that now and things are going to change, even if it is only from my perspective.